Monday, October 4, 2010


Phew! I’m glad THAT practice is over with! I had a hard time this morning. My practice was so bad, I gave up on Astanga and invented an entirely new yoga: I’m calling it Futztanga. It’s a style of yoga where you do a pose then take an extra breath or two. Do another pose then carefully study your fingernails. Vinaysa the dog! Jump back and...child’s pose! Or wander to the window and see what the weather is like. Or...

A few times, I realised that I was just standing there on my mat, gazing around in an addled way, completely lost. I had become so caught up in the fascinating whirls of my own brain that I just lost my place.

Um...where was I?

Yeah, it was THAT bad.

Also, I felt stiff and weak. How is it possible that I can barely lift up when I’ve been doing this for years now? Hey arms! Get with the programme!

And the Turtle is still MIA, which made me feel like the Big Loser Ashtangi who can’t bind her own Supta K (not that there’s anyone around to help me anyway, though for a moment I was tempted to recruit my neighbour).

Ahhhh....bad practices! They make the good ones sweeter, right?

Ironically, backbends were all easy-peasy and terrific today. Maybe it was the Magic of Low Expectations!

After I finished, I was making breakfast and dropped a band new jar of really terrific gourmet-organic-fancy-expensive almond butter on the kitchen floor. SPLAT! Almond butter, now with glass shards...yum.

And that’s when I finally realised what was going on. Some women get pissy with PMS. Others get depressed. Me? I get really clumsy. And a bit bloated. And weak. And stiff. And frustrated. My LH is incoming, probably before the week is out. No wonder the Turtle fled!

This week, the 70s Yoga Ladies don their tights, unroll the persian rugs and strike a pose.


I know some of you are probably wondering what on earth they’re doing.

So I looked it up:
“This is an exercise that will give you that slim waistline so desired by every woman, and ‘spare tyres’ will disappear.”

Awesome! I’ll try this. Maybe my Turtle will come back!


Anonymous said...

Futzanga??!! That has got to be the best term ever. Without knowing it I practice futzanga religiously at least twice a week. I will be smiling for the rest of the evening, thankyouverymuch....

Loo said...

oh the running head of that book is hilarious! well, to a book designer at least. Can't make up their mind what to call them, can they.

Ragdoll said...

“This is an exercise that will give you that slim waistline so desired by every woman, and ‘spare tyres’ will disappear.”

Haha! It's the secret that the billion dollar diet industry never wanted us to find out.

That sort of futzanga used to be the norm for me, now it does seem to be the exception - thanks for giving it a name though. Hope the clumsiness passes quickly.

Flo said...

Boy have I had THOSE practices before. To the point where I annoy myself. :)
Then realize it is just my mind on overload. Maybe once a week it takes a LOT of reigning in. But I hear you on this one!

Boodiba said...

I did a lot of futzing today! And it was very busy so JC left me mostly entirely alone & I was free to futz.

I only did two tic tocs too... Ayelet of the masterful tic tocs was RIGHT behind me, and that made me nervous, and then I had a pillar to my right. It was BAD tic toc feng shui for sure. I bailed on the first attempt & was going to give up, so the fact that I did two after was enough for me. I announced only 2 to John and he gave me a mock tsk tsk.

I better not skip the salt bath tonight!!! Maybe we should both do it & we'll have better times on the mat tomorrow?

stephanie said...

This sounds like *every single one* of my home practices! So much time passes with me staring off into space, or examining my toenails. I zone out at any excuse -- a slight breeze moves the trees outside, or there's a shadow on the wall in the shape of a face, or hm look at that hangnail on my toe. I have determined that I am too flaky for futz-free home practices... Who knew I was practicing Futztanga all that time ;)

Anonymous said...

Too funny, before I reached the end of your post I had already decided it was probably because you are about due for a lady's holiday. My PMS makes practice unbearable the three days leading up to it.

I guess thats what happens when you write a blog as good as yours, strangers get to know you that well even your cycles!

Kaivalya said...

It may be more widespread a practice than we thought...ha, ha!

I included that on purpose! Good on you for noticing it! I thought it was funny too. I almost expected it to conclude "...oh, nevermind!"

I'm generally pretty futz-free in my practices. This week has been the exception.

The photo comes from a book called 'Yoga for Health and Beauty'. I guess 'spare tyres' are not beautiful and to be avoided! ;-)

Kaivalya said...

'Mind on overload' <--Good point! I think we all get that way sometimes.

I almost *never* miss a pre-practice salt bath these days. I don't know if I would be able to motivate myself to practice without them! I'm thinking of trying castor oil on Saturdays.

Eventually, you get used to home practice. My first week at home after the Shala was HARD. But my brain finally settled down. Most days are pretty good and it's very empowering to know that you can practice without outside support.

Kaivalya said...

You hit the nail on the head! My practice isn't always miserable right before my LH, but it often is 'heavy' and 'futz-y'. Ironically, backbending has been fabulous this week.