Okay, first the good news. I seem to be on the right track with the rocking and lifting the heels of my hands. That’s *precisely* what R asked me to work on this morning. In fact, after I finished my three ‘Monkey-ass-warm-up’ backbends, she left me alone with my rocking for another two backbends. I almost started to hope that there might not be any standing up, but of course there was. When R walked over and stood at the top of my mat, I knew that it was showtime. *gulp*
I read all of your comments very carefully. And thank you, by the way - I love you all! The encouragement means so much to me right now because I’m SO discouraged. Susan, your advice about ‘unfurling’ the spine is spot on. And Helen, your words - ‘do not think about coming up, think about coming forward and up will happen’ - particularly resonated with me. At the moment, ‘standing up’ seems impossible, but ‘coming forward’ might actually be doable.
So here’s the score this morning:
Round #1: It wasn’t great. I came up fairly smoothly, but then pitched forward, coming perilously close to a ‘squash-the-teacher’ scenario. However, I *did* keep my head back this time. I think I just forgot to straighten my legs and stand UP at the end! Oops.
Round #2: Better! I kept my head back, I rocked my hips forward. I was even breathing deeply. I tried to stay relaxed. I rocked forward. R helped me stand up, but I didn’t feel like she was *lifting* me up this time (though she probably was; it’s a fine line).
Given the choice, I would have stopped at #2. I was exhausted. But R look pointedly at my mat, so off I went.
Round #3: Horrible, horrible, horrible! For some reason, I rocked forward on the first two breaths, then completely fell apart by the third. R had to haul me up like a sack of potatoes. The look of exasperation on her face was so tangible, you could have scooped it up and put it in box.
*sigh* Stop thinking! Stop thinking! Just DO!
I wish my stupid brain had an ‘off’ switch. Actually I wish I could take the entire thing out of my skull and lay it carefully aside during the backbends so I wouldn’t THINK so damned much.
Afterward, I did Paschimottanasana and R squished me and I shook like a leaf. I did my finishing poses and laid as still as possible during Savasana so no one would notice me weeping. Then I wiped my eyes, gathered up my mat and stumbled off to start another day.
And tomorrow? Never fear! I’ll be dragging my fragile ass down to the Shala and doing the whole thing all over again. It’s kind of like Groundhog Day, but with tears, backbending angst and personal drama! Stay tuned...
