Fair warning: if you came to this blog to get all inspired and read pretty words, you won’t find them here today. I’m grumpy!
Today was pretty terrible. And I didn’t have a great practice this morning. In fact, I hated my practice this morning.
I was stiff, tired and a bit depressed. Nothing felt right, so I just tried to move through the Primary Series fluidly, focusing on the breath and vinyasas. In other words, I just ‘did what I could’. It was interesting to see how some of the more ‘challenging’ poses unfolded when I didn’t fuss around or get picky about alignment (or try too hard....there! I said it!)
It was not too bad, actually. I didn’t bind to wrist on the first side of Marichyasana D, but I managed it on the second side. Bhujapidasana was actually better than usual without all that fussing to get the hands perfectly aligned and the legs situated over the shoulders in a specific way. Of course, I had to spray myself with water for Garba Pindasana which broke my momentum a bit, but then I blazed right through it and onwards.
I was finished in less than 90 minutes, including taking rest. I did the World’s Briefest Headstand (usually, I like to hang out in that pose).
Backbends were NOT on. I did my usual Urdhva Dhanurasana but cheated and only did 5. P either didn’t notice, or ignored it. He helped me rock. After the last time, he said ‘Good’ but I think he throwing me a bone; it wasn’t good. It was pretty lame, actually.
Part of the problem is that my back doesn’t feel open at all right now. I did my ‘second practice’ (one hour of extracurricular backbending) in the morning after my walk. To be honest, I just wanted to get it out of the way. I filmed one of my hangbacks and was kind of shocked and discouraged by what I saw. I’m getting absolutely NO arch at all in my upper back - it’s as flat as a board as I hang back.! My dropbacks were not too bad, but I had to take a really wide stance and I wasn’t coming down lightly at all. I was kind of ‘falling back’.
At least I didn’t womp my head.
I guess laying over a bolster over the past last few days has not been benefitting me. Hanging off furniture is next. Susan has briefed me in the ‘Secrets of the Bed Hang’ (not to be confused with the ‘Secrets of the Head Bang’ which is what rockstars do. I’m SO not a rockstar).
I’ll try that tonight. I have a bunch of Pema Chodron audio recordings on my iPod to keep me entertained while I hang off the side of my bed.
On a gorgeous night like this, normal people sit out on patios, laughing with their friends and getting tipsy on icy cocktails and handcrafted local beer. Me? I do backbends off of furniture and go to bed early so I can get up and torture myself on a Manduka mat at the ass-crack of dawn. My practice has been stagnant for months and frankly, it kind of sucks. My teachers don’t like me (seriously, they REALLY don’t).
Sometimes, I wonder why I keep doing this.
Didn’t Einstein define insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”?That sounds *exactly* like my practice right now.
*sigh*
Wow, that was heavy. Here, go look at some kittens.
EDIT, July 22, 5:30 a.m.: I'm feeling a tad better after a (brief) night of sleep, now heading off to do my practice. I've closed comments because I think my meltdowns function better in a vacuum. ;-) I'm not quitting anything at the moment and rest assured that my dedication to my practice is solid, even though I'm feeling uncertain about certain ancillary aspects of it.
