Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Day 86

I was happy last night. I played a good hockey game last night with no pain or nausea. After struggling with these meds for months, I've finally found the right balance between food and pain killers and my medication schedule. Before the game, I hung around the rink and chatted with friends and watched a game and after the game, I walked home in the balmy air.

But this morning, I was not happy. I had to get my bloodwork done. This means I had to fast for at least 12 hours. After a night of fitful sleep, I got up early and biked to the lab in the rain and waited in line for a half hour before sitting in a waiting room for another half hour, knocking elbows with all of the other hungry, cranky people who also needed bloodwork.

Now? I'm happy again. I just finished a great yoga practice with some wonderful, heart opening backbends. I'm getting ready to go for a walk. I'm heating water for tea.

My moods are usually constantly in flux, so I'm always taken aback when someone assumes that because I do a lot of yoga, I'm always happy. Last night, I had a Twitter exchange with a friend. She asked “how can you do all of that yoga and not be happy all the time?” I answered, simply: “Yoga every day doesn't necessarily mean 'happy' every day. Life's challenges are still there, though yoga makes them easier to face.”

If anything, doing yoga has given me the ability to ride out my moods with more equanimity. It helps me realise that I'm not my moods - I've become better able to recognise my moods as a state, rather than an identity.

In time, I'm sure I'll be able to do every single pose of the Primary Series absolutely perfectly. But, for me, the real work of yoga is being able to connect with that state of equilibrium beyond 'happy' and 'unhappy.' I'll be facing that battle every day of my life.

Addendum: Shortly after I wrote this post, I found this quote that sums it all up rather nicely:


Michelle said...

You sure have an active lifestyle. I was wondering if you have any children? Husband? Just curious.

Kaivalya said...

That's an interesting observation and it's probably true. I live an active lifestyle mostly out of necessity. Because I live in the city and don't own a car, I walk and bike everywhere in the warmer weather. My daily yoga practice is absolutely necessary to my work - I'm a full time yoga teacher. Hockey is just a hobby - I play because I love it. I don't have children and that's by choice. I'm single, not by choice - just waiting for the right person to come along.

bindifry said...

In time, I'm sure I'll be able to do every single pose of the Primary Series absolutely perfectly

not possible.

you are perfect now.

Kaivalya said...

Spoken like a true yoga teacher.

But am I perfect even if I skip poses? ;-)