Day 167

Today, as I was moving through the Primary Series, breath by breath, pose by pose, feeling warm and light, bathed by the sunbeams streaming in the window, I had this thought: “There is nothing else I would rather be doing in this moment. Nothing.” And it was true. I don't always feel this way when I practice, but lately, that's how I've been feeling. Getting to the mat can be a chore, but once I'm there, I'm content. And afterward, I feel whole and happy.

Yesterday in the comments, Michelle asked what kind of yoga I used to practice, whether I preferred Ashtanga and what yoga system I find more fulfilling. This is timely question because this topic has been on my mind recently.

I came to yoga almost 13 years ago via Patricia Walden's 'Yoga Practice for Beginners' video, which I found in the bargain bin at Best Buy. At the time, I had just walked away from a short-term contract as a field archaeologist because I was in too much pain to continue. I was 26 years old and I was in constant, chronic pain. Some of it was physical, some of it was emotional.

I had a lot of time on my hands, so I tried the yoga tape. And I hated it. I couldn't do any of the things on that tape very well, and many of them seemed impossible (like forward bends, and I clearly remember Virabhadrasana II being particularly challenging). It's a mystery to me why I kept doing yoga, sometimes every day. It reminds me a lot of that episode of Star Trek in which Data has been given an emotion chip. He finds a new drink repulsive, but drinks it again and again, saying “Yes!!! I hate this!” (and then asks for more).

(and can I just digress wildly for a moment here and add that it took me only ONE SEARCH on YouTube to find this Star Trek clip that I remembered clearly from years ago? Thank you, Internet!)

The clip I'm referring to starts at 00:46...



I persevered. I kept doing yoga and yoga got easier. My back started feeling better. In fact, my entire body started feeling better. But here's the thing: the more yoga I did, the more everything around me started to look different. I realised that I hated being in debt. I hated my job. I regretted going for my MA. I hated where I was living. I deeply regretted my marriage (Yes, I was married. To a man.)

My whole life felt wrong. Slowly, bit by bit, it all began to unravel. I had changed.

I got out of the marriage, handled my own divorce and came to terms with my sexual orientation (I'm gay - I had known this since I was 13, but I was living out a 'normal life', in a desperate bid for my parents' approval). The divorce itself was a big thing but it was even bigger for me. I researched the laws at the library and wrote up the forms myself, dealt with the legal system and all the obstacles thrown in my path. For the first time, I started managing my own finances. I found my own apartment. Although I has been on my own since I was 17, I had never had my own space.

For years, I had been hiding. I had rarely spoken up for myself. I was a follower and I followed well. Then, all of a sudden, I was doing these breathtakingly brave things. I was taking care of myself. I had been brave before, but I don't think I had ever much considered what I really wanted or needed, let alone pondered the novel concept that I had a right to demand those things in my life.

Four years after starting a regular yoga practice, I was divorced, living on my own in an entirely different country, in a city which I loved, supported by a wide network of loving friends, participating in hobbies I was passionate about, in love with a complicated but lovely woman and on the verge of paying off my student loan debts with the six figure income of my new career. I was still doing yoga and though my life was a work-in-progress (I hated my job), I was evolving, instead of just taking up space.

So you can understand why I have a very difficult time hurling any kind of criticism whatsoever at any yoga system. From where I stand now, I think they're all golden. Iyengar-based Hatha Yoga is miraculous to me because it launched me into this new life. The classical Hatha Yoga my teacher H taught to me is precious because it was my first experience with joining a class and being part of a yoga community. My teacher M (who, for many years, I detested) introduced me to both Ashtanga (which, for many years, I detested) and Anusara. Both Anusara and M himself continue to challenge me. Ashtanga has become my home yoga practice.

When the student is ready, the teacher comes. Yoga has been my teacher. Every yoga system that I have encountered had lessons to teach me. I'm grateful for those lessons. The Ashtanga yoga system, which I've been doing as my home practice over the past 8 months, is a bit like that drink that Data couldn't stop himself from trying again and again. It has challenged me in new ways, made me stronger and given me the structure I need at this particular time in my life to develop and remain committed to a home yoga practice.

Right now, I find my yoga practice - both asana and meditation - deeply fulfilling. Yoga has become the thing that sustains me. Right now, Ashtanga yoga is the vehicle for my own personal transformation. I can only hope that as I continue to evolve, yoga will continue to challenge me to evolve.

Today: Full primary series in the mid-morning, because I slept in a bit. I had a deep and focused practice and everything felt very smooth and 'easy'. I enjoyed two amazing handstands. The idea of doing a handstand away from the wall is becoming increasingly plausible. I bound in Supta Kurmasana without effort, leaving me to wonder if this may be my latest breakthrough in this practice. I happily held headstand for 3 minutes. My 15 minute meditation sessions are feeling less onerous.