Rain and more rain

My 'ladies holiday' kindasorta started this morning, not with a bang, but more of a whisper. I decided to take it easy and just do Primary. That's probably what I'll be doing for the rest of the week.

I had the nicest practice! The downpour waited until I walked into the warm, dry shala, with little pitterpatters on the roof and windows. Then, a serene quasi-dark fell over the room while the storm moved over us. I savoured my forward bends and watched water drip down the big picture window in front of me. I basked in the feeling of being warm and safe and happy.

The highlight was when I managed, for the first time, to 'Dwi Pada' myself and lower into (an extremely sloppy) Supta Kurmasana. The LBH poses seem a lot easier in the context of Primary Series!

Lately in my Primary, I've been working on vinyasas and transitions. Last Friday, the theme was getting the right kind of exit and entrance in the various poses (like the Marichyasanas, for example). I suppose the operative word here is 'trying'. It was a bit of a 'fail' but fun.

The healing of my shoulder has been a slow process, but last Friday's practice confirmed what I already knew: my shoulder is completely back to normal. All of that lifting and jumping and experimentation didn't leave me sore or re-injured. I've been backing off from this part of my practice for months and it helped me heal.

But I think the biggest help was having a teacher around to watch out for me and correct my quirky Chaturanga. The modified vinyasas were not hurting me, but I think I was straining my shoulders (both) by collapsing them forward each time I lowered down. I'm not doing unasssited dropbacks on right now because I land too hard (during one of my hard landings, I swear I could feel DT cringe from all the way across the room).

Today, I worked on simple jumpbacks and jumpthroughs. Prior to the injury, I had a decent jumpthrough, jumpbacks were coming along. For now, while I work on form and building strength, I'm using blocks. The handful of ashtangis I most admire, who have controlled, floaty vinyasa transitions (my teacher among them) learned this way. I'm going with what works. DT mentioned that I will probably need shorter blocks (closer to the floor) soon. She's going to look for some.

I spoke with her before I started practice today to confirm that I was working in the right way. She made a few changes. I need to jump through with crossed legs part of the time, alternating legs so I don't develop a imbalance. I can alternate those jumpthroughs with straight-leg jumps (which, oddly enough, I find much easier!).

The timing couldn't be better: DT is teaching a jumpback/jumpthrough workshop on Sunday from 1-3. I'm really looking forward to it. I think it will help a lot.

DT has given me some new backbendy things to do against a wall. She's beginning to emphasize extension of the hip flexors more with me now. Today, she showed me a backbending exercise facing the wall (while standing and hanging back). It's wickedly difficult, mostly because it requires me to reach my arms overhead and back while pressing my quads flat to the wall. I feel like I'm going to fall over backwards (or die) which, of course, means I'm not strong enough. ;-)

But yay for narrow hallways! I have one at home so I'll work on this with two walls until I can build more strength. I've been cheating on Astanga a bit lately. I teach classes at gyms, so whenever I have the opportunity, I've been using the Magic Hamstring Machine and doing some exercises to build core strength. When I add stuff like this to my routine, I do it in the spirit of experimentation. If I don't see any benefit to my practice, I move on to other things. Time will tell.


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First Day

Sheesh. I make a few slight modifications to my beloved routine and POOF! My brain turns to soup! I'm feeling completely disoriented. I even forgot to bring my yoga pants to work. I had to teach my noon class in jeans!

It was SO strange getting up early this morning and going to the shala. It's not a new experience - I did this last year for over five months - but now I have to adjust to it all over again.

To be honest, part of me misses my old routine. I liked the sleeping-in part a LOT and there's so much stuff that just goes better *before* yoga, seated meditation in particular. I need to figure out a way to make meditation work after practice (or fit it in before practice). I only sat for 15 minutes this morning and it was awful. My brain was turning cartwheels.

I had a great practice. I moved through it efficiently. From the first surya to taking rest, it was about 95 minutes. It felt a bit disorienting after months of home practice. Even though the space is familiar (and it was wonderful, being back in this room!), we were facing an opposite direction than I'm used to. My dyslexic little brain was wimpering. I'm surprised I didn't skip any poses!

The teacher, DT, was warm and very welcoming. She spent a lot of time with me and offered feedback on my postures, good adjustments, lots of alignment tips. It was lovely getting an assist in Supta K! She deepened the bind and helped me get the exit. In Mari D, she helped me move deeper into the twist and I was able to take my wrist on the right side for the first time in months (the shoulder injury has prevented this lately).

I did three long UD and then some dropbacks against the wall. Using the wall was kind of fun and felt deliciously criminal, since it never would have been allowed with the previous teachers. My back wasn't feeling very open today but I received some help with alignment. Regaining my dropbacks and deeper backbends will be a 'process' I think.

I also learned that my lack of flexibility may be making Laghu Vajrasana more difficult. DT helped me come in and out of the pose while keeping my hips further forward but arching back more deeply. She also helped me root down through the shins so I was using my quads more. I'm mentioning this because I already feel sore!

All in all, it was a good experience.

Tiny things that are VERY SAD

*throatclearing*

Well, hello there!

Yes, I'm still here, barely enduring the Cold and Ugly Season in the Great White North. To be honest, I haven't felt very inspired to write lately. It's probably due to a combination of seaonal ennui, boring practices and, oh yes, 'blogosphere controversy'. Last week, everyone was abuzz with a certain certified teacher and her (un)reality show.

I'm almost embarrassed to 'fess up to my reaction to that entire debacle, but here it is: I sat in my window seat and wept. There are a few different ways to interpret this behaviour:
~I'm a bit depressed
~I'm overly attached to the practice and my own idealistic conception of it

or (and this is my favourite!)

~teensy-weensie-tiny-yoga short are just VERY SAD.

*sniffle*

Take your pick. ;-) Moving on...

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I have been practising! Here's a rundown of the past...wow, has it really been a week? Yes it has.

Wednesday: I attended Peanut's Bikram's class. I wasn't feeling particularly energetic, so I was kind of 'going through the motions'. I don't imagine for a minute that Peanut doesn't notice stuff like that. And halfway through the class, he made a little speech about how it's possible to 'do the poses without *really* doing the poses'. It wasn't aimed at me specifically, I'm sure, but I got the message all the same: "If you can, you must!"

Thursday: In a nod to the Moon Day, I did my Primary-only practice. It was okay.

Friday: Moon Day. I didn't practice at all. I think this may be the first Moon Day in about two years that I've not done any yoga. I'm beginning to like this whole 'taking days off thing'. :-D

Saturday: I practised Primary and my Intermediate. I had an ordinary, but good practice.

Sunday: Day off! I didn't even take time to stretch my hamstrings (and boy, did I ever feel it on Monday!)

Monday: I attended Almond's Bikram's class in the morning. I really enjoy Almond's classes and I've missed going to them, so this was a treat. I like the way he cruises through the dialogue. His efficiency in teaching is one of the things that helped me break out of the 'futzing habit', both in Bikrams and my Astanga practice.

Tuesday (that's today!): Back to Astanga, I practised Primary and my Intermediate poses. My left hamstring was a bit sensitive, but I had a good, futz-free practice.

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In general, I'm feeling better about my practices these days and Astanga is starting to feel like a place of comfort and healing again.

For the past month, I've been practising Astanga four times a week and Bikram's two, adding up to a six-day week in combination. Starting this week, I've decided to add on an Astanga practice on Friday to bring my Astanga week up to five days (continuing to practice Bikrams one day per week).

I'm also working towards a more consistent Astanga practice with fewer breaks. Toward this end, I'm going to try to go to my weekly Bikram class on Monday, so I can practice Astanga 5 days in a row.

And here's some good news: My shoulder is healing!

Evelyn asked if I was icing the shoulder. I do own one of those fancy-schmancy velcro ice/compression packs but to be perfectly honest, I haven't been very diligent about using it. It's so cold here, the last thing I feel like doing is curling up in the window seat with an icy ice pack resting on my shoulder. But all of my non-ice-related activity/inactivity seems to be working for me.

Last week, I upgraded my Granny Vinyasas to include the transition from Upward Dog to Downward Dog. This was a big trigger point for pain when I first injured my shoulder, but there's no pain as I move through it now!

Also: I grabbed my wrist on the right side of Marichyasana C today and I'm binding to fingers in Marichyasana D (and close to getting the wrist on the left side).

And the biggest news of all: I'm doing three Urdhva Dhanurasana in my daily practice. Even better, today I walked my hands in! I walked in once in the second backbend and twice in the third. This is HUGE!

I'm pretty excited, because this means that I can begin to work towards regaining flexibility in these backbends. My shoulder was mostly pain free (there was a bit of sensation pushing up). I was able to straighten my arms and my breathing was smooth and consistent.

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Finally, here's a random photograph of manhole cover on a subway platform.


Wow. I feel SO much better now!

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The hokey-pokey and group hugs

So I did practice and it wasn't SO bad. In fact, it went pretty well, all things considered.

My job during practice is to back off from any pain sensation in my shoulder. A couple weeks ago, this meant that I could barely transition between postures, I couldn't push into Urdhva Dhanurasana and Sirsasana was a touch-and-go affair.

This week, I'm able to do a complete vinyasa between postures - just without jumps. I step forward, I step back. It's like the 'hokey pokey' except I never turn myself around and that's not 'what it's all about'...but I digress.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Chaturanga. I can do that and I can do upward dog and downward dog. I can lift out of Bhujapidasana into Bakasana, but I lower down and step back to Chaturanga. I added lotus jumpbacks back in because they don't trigger any pain at all - and they're fun!

These are the nitty gritty details of my practice, the stuff that I would never normally discuss on my blog. Except...right now, they're HUGE. I don't even think about standing up from Urdhva Dhanurasana anymore. I'd be pretty thrilled if I could walk my hands into a deeper backbend. Or do a deep, satisfying Purvottanasana without pain. Or enjoy Prasarita Padottanasana C again.

The terrain has shifted and I'm shifting with it. It's 'Granny Yoga' at its finest!

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Since I can't obsess about standing up from backbends anymore, I'm trying to develop New Interests. My friend Evelyn is a trailblazer in this regard. Sidelined by a similar shoulder injury, she's immersed herself in dodgy cable television: Sasquatch sightings and UFOs. Plus, she's become a Cesar Millan groupie and taken up dog-walking.

Princess Fur's ears perked as I typed that last sentence.

I've been looking for a good hobby. Last weekend, I was checking out a friend's bookshelf and my eyes landed on the Complete Little House on the Prairie Seasons 1-8. The DVDs are encased in a box that resembles...wait for it!...a covered wagon.

I grew up with that show! Too good to be true! She was, understandably, hesitant to part with any portion of this bounty, but we negotiated and I walked out of there with the first four seasons.

I've been hunkered down on the futon ever since, watching a buck-toothed Laura Ingalls (Melissa Gilbert) utter syrupy lines like Home is the nicest word there is!

*blissful cringe*

Last night, I watched the episode where Laura (and Jack, the family dog) is bitten by her pet raccoon and Dr. Baker warns that Laura (and Jack! *sob*) may have been exposed to rabies.

The family fearfully waits for the rabies incubation period to pass. They huddle tearfully around Laura, but my sympathies are out in the barn with Jack, the dog, who is tied up, alone. Poor Jack! He doesn't understand why nobody loves him anymore. He whines inconsolably. Then he starts barking wildly.

When Pa walks out to the barn with a loaded rifle, I'm in torment. I can clearly remember sobbing my heart out when I first viewed this episode at age four. Even at that age, I liked dogs better than people.

I won't spoil the story for you, though I'll bet you can guess how it ends. *grouphug*

In an era of reality TV, it astounds me that anything so syrupy and heartfelt could have *ever* graced the airwaves of network televion. These days, 'Little House' would be too cheesy and innocent for normal kids to watch. They'd make fun of it then quickly turn the channel to a Lady Gaga video or a daytime talkshow featuring mothers who get sex-change operations then date their daughter's secretly gay boyfriends.

Which, of course, means I'm throughly enjoying my foray into 70s TV Nostalgia Land. Yay, the good old days! When the good guys were really good (burly Mr. Edwards, swinging down a dirt path singing 'Old Man Tucker' and kicking up his heels) and the bad guys were REALLY bad (Nellie Oslen, scowling under her blonde ringlets, bragging about the 'store-bought rug' in her family's house. And don't get me started on her *mother*!). The lines were so clearly drawn.

Evelyn is starting to believe in Big Foot. Me? I'm starting to believe that an entire town would show up to help Mr. Ingalls stack sacks of grain so he won't lose his team of oxen to an unscrupulous Irishman. Or that a schoolhouse full of children will cooperatively pretend to learn the alphabet in order to teach a teenage boy how to read the word 'boat'. When he later reads an essay of appreciation to the teacher, the children applaud in a standing ovation.

Awwww! Group hug!


That's me, 6 years old, in my 'prairie dress'.

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When things fall apart

I know, I know...I've been *really* quiet lately.

February is a bare-bones-survival month. I just try to do the essentials, focus on stuff that absolutely needs to be attended to. Accomplishing anything extra feels like a major coup. This weekend, I visited the Grumpy Russian Guy and got my hair cut AND I gave Princess Fur her spring haircut. I also did the laundry. I felt like someone should give me a medal after all that, but no such luck. So I made brownies instead.

I *have* been practising, though sometimes it takes superhuman effort just to get on the mat. Here's a recap of the past week-and-a-bit:

Friday (this is WAY back, the Friday before last): I went to Cashew's noon hot class. I sometimes call Cashew 'Echo' because she does this thing in Savasana were she gives a relaxation cue, then echos herself till it fades off. This always makes me giggle (which isn't very relaxing, but I never stick around for Savasana after hot yoga anyway). Afterwards, I went out for sushi. Hot yoga does something to food. The lunch special is never *that* great, but after the class, it tasted SUBLIME.

I'm giving the Bad Energy Meditation Group another go (I returned last month and it wasn't so bad; the crazy lady is gone and the group is under 'new management', although Crazy Lady's apparently going around calling herself our 'spiritual director' now, which is kind of creepy). I ended up having a fantastic time with the group and even going out afterward...for Indian food...at 10 p.m. Wild! Usually I'm in bed at that time of night, so it was funny to be out and eating. I woke up the next morning with a full belly, so Saturday turned into a day off.

That's okay, though, because a nearby studio was offering free vinyasa classes over the holiday weekend. I went to the Sunday evening class, excited and full of enthusiasm but it was big disappointment; the instructor was HORRIBLE. I was shocked, given that she's a regular teacher at this location.

The Monday class was a rush to get to because it was right after my noon class, but I managed to arrive with 10 minutes to spare. Good thing I did, because the room was PACKED! (Interestingly, I ended up next to another Ashtangi) After the bad experience on Sunday, I went into the class a bit more skeptical, but I had a better experience with this instructor. I learned a helpful shoulder stretch - my shoulder injury seems to be at a point where it's tightening up as it heals so this will be useful.

All of this yoga tourism had a result I hadn't anticipated: it renewed my confidence in my own teaching and reminded me of the things that work for me (and don't work for me) as a student: Clear instruction, minimal chit-chat, logical sequencing, cues that emphasize alignment and movement of energy in the body. All of these things are basics, but they're key - it gave me good food for thought and some insight into what I want to emphasize in my own teaching.

On Tuesday morning, I returned to my full Astanga practice at home. I had a pretty good practice, though my hamstrings were tight. The gimpy shoulder was feeling significantly better (I did Urdhva Dhanurasana a few times in the weekend classes and it was feeling pretty good). I did held three UD for five breath cycles, no pain!

I went to Peanut's Wednesday morning hot class. Peanut was awesome, as usual, but I had a bad class. My balance was completely off! Half-way through the class, I got a 'flash headache' that plagued me through the seated poses, but as soon as the class was over, it was gone.

On Thursday, I woke up in a deep funk and didn't want to practice at all. I was tired, I was grumpy. I was scheduled to do my full practice. Instead, I sulked in bed and finally lured myself to the mat with a promise that I only had to do the Suryas and fundamental standing poses with finishing. I thought maybe I would be inspired to do more, but noooo...I wasn't. I grumped through it and rolled up my mat.

The reason for my ennui revealed itself the next morning: My LH arrived early. I rested on Friday and Saturday, but this morning I did a 40-minute vinyasa practice (YogaDownload, Yoga for Runner's #1 with Dawnelle). I'm hoping this will ease my return to my Astanga practice tomorrow because right now, I'm *dreading* it.

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On Thursday, after my sulky practice, I pulled out my beloved guitar, thinking some music would cheer me up, only to find that ALL the strings were lose. The ENTIRE bridge had detached from the body.

I was dismayed, given that this is my 'dream guitar', the $900 Alvarez that I paid off for months in lay away. It was supposed to last my lifetime. This is a major repair (I learned later that it's covered under the warranty).


I think it's an apt symbol of a month gone bad, when things were falling apart all around me and I felt constantly overwhelmed.

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A Mental Health Holiday

Fair warning: This is a whiny post.

Back in my corporate days, today would have been called a 'mental health holiday'. I cancelled absolutely *everything* - day classes, afternoon classes and evening classes. In eight years of teaching, I've never done this - not even when I was sick.

I'm good at toughing things out, but lately, I've felt felt like I'm at the end of my rope. I needed to take a step back.

So I slept in. My morning yoga practice consisted of an hour of restorative yoga from the Bobby Clennell book, followed by a salt bath, followed by a long nap. I spent the rest of day in my jammies, sitting in the window seat, reading a book with Princess Fur curled up on my lap. In the evening, I rode out to the east end and took a vinyasa class with one of my long-time teachers and friends.

The entire day was very easy and soothing. It was exactly what I needed.

Lately, I've been in this sad little headspace. I'm feeling glum, uncertain and adrift. I'm probably a bit depressed. Part of it is due to the time of year. I've also been experiencing a 'crisis of confidence' in my teaching recently. And part of the blame for the funk rests squarely on the gimpy shoulder.

Yeah, I know, I know...being depressed about the state of my practice is SO typical. Everyone is doing it. I'm not trying to jump on a bandwagon, honest. But damn, I HATE this injury. The torn hamstring was never this annoying!! Or was it? I can't remember...*grump*

Sometimes I wonder, with all the modifications I'm doing, when the practice stops being Astanga and starts being something else entirely. At the beginning of the week, I experienced *another* set-back with the shoulder and I had to cut Urdhva Dhanurasana. Now I'm all nostalgic for the 'good old days' when UD was merely 'uncomfortable'. If the injury doesn't kill me, the irony might!

Anyway, enough of that. Here's a little overview of my Week of Blah:

After two years of yoga-every-day-no-matter-what, I'm finally taking a genuine day off each week. On Sunday, I did no yoga. The 'yoga streak' is officially over! I'm really enjoying the weekly respite and to be honest, it's well-timed. I really need it.

But I'm starting to hate Monday practices because after a day off, I feel SO stiff. I practised my Primary and 2nd series poses, but everything was gummy and tender. I tried to do Urdhva Dhanurasana but found it very painful for my shoulder and had to stop at two backbends.

On Tuesday, I decided to replace Urdhva Dhanurasana with hangbacks. No dice - the hangbacks felt yucky. I reverted to a variation of UD that I learned from my Montreal teachers, keeping my hands off the floor. But it all felt like a big waste of time.

Wednesday was hot yoga day. It was a relief to do a practice without modifications and I soaked up the heat like a happy sponge. Everything is going pretty well with those postures, though I couldn't seem to balance in Padangusthasana. I brought my head to my knee in Dandayamana-Janushirasana, though, and held the balance. Yay! I treated my favourite hot yoga teacher, Peanut, to some cookies for Valentines Day.

The cookies were actually a bright spot in an otherwise blah week. I spent Sunday baking and in the end, I had 108 cookies! (not just yummy, but auspicous!) I spent the rest of the week handing out cookies to friends, students (and in a few cases, complete strangers).

"Happy Valentine's Day" It was so much fun!


Today, of course, I took my 'mental health day'. I really enjoyed the evening vinyasa class. It's a good reminder of how far I've come in my yoga practice, regardless of how I'm feeling about it at the moment. This is not a particularly challenging class for me, but moving through the sequence, guided by the teacher's voice, was as comforting as being wrapped in a soft, love-worn quilt. On a day that was all about soothing myself, this capped it off nicely.

When I told my teacher about the injury she laughed and said "Your right shoulder, my left shoulder!" Apparently, this is a very trendy injury! All the coolest practitioners are getting it! Between the two of us, we have one set of healthy shoulders. Maybe we should just team up!

Tomorrow is a Moon Day (I'm planning to go to the noon class at Hot Central). I won't be doing another Astanga practice until Saturday. Perhaps by then (I hope), I'll feel better.

On a bright note, I managed two Urdhva Dhanurasana in the vinyasa class tonight. I wasn't sure I would be able to pull them off, but figured it couldn't hurt (too badly) to try. The teacher offered an interesting variation for coming into the pose. She instructed us to lift our heels before pressing up (and then to drop them). For some reason, this reduced the pressure on my shoulder coming up. I'm looking forward to trying it in my regular practice.

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Warm heart, cold nose

Cutest thing ever: When Princess Fur sits on the floor near the window seat and begs to come up for cuddles. My heart MELTS. Also: there are few things more blissful than cuddling a warm, furry dog in my arms while sipping tea and gazing out the window at fluffy little snow flakes drifting around. The Princess is still up here, her head nestled against the instep of my left foot as I blog.

*happysigh*

I'm well-prepared to soak up every blissful moment of this weekend. Yesterday, I woke at the usual time, but instead of doing yoga (I went to the evening Bikram class instead), I did the grocery shopping, cleaning, some extra laundry, prepped meals for the coming week and ran errands. With all of these tasks complete, I was able to sit around and read a book in the afternoon. And It feels good to move into the weekend with these mundane little tasks complete!

And thank goodness I cleared the time, becauseI have big plans for this afternoon: Tax preparation. *sigh* On the bright side, once it's done, it's DONE and I can pass if off to my accountant. I'm hoping to get through it today.

I have an excellent incentive. I can return to this book:


It's wonderful! I'm dying to see the film now...

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A brief practice report, such as it is...

I heated the apartment this morning in preparation for my full Astanga practice then realised that my LH had arrived. Boo! So I did the Suryas, fundamental standing poses, my Intermediate poses, three Urdhva Dhanurasana and Padmasana. Then I put my legs up a wall and chilled. It was the perfect compromise!

My shoulder is feeling pretty good. Actually, *both* my shoulders are a bit sore right now, but that's to be expected (Hello, Chaturanga...it's been awhile, hasn't it?).

There are a few postures that trigger the pain of the injury, mainly anything that introduces an intense inward rotation of the right arm while reaching my arm around my back (Prasarita Padottanasana C, most binds). Bhekasana is still not fun, but Dhanurasana is fine until I move into Parva Dhanurasana, which is VERY painful. I don't generally do it unless I've laid a blanket to the side as my 'shoulder landing zone'.

The next few days will be light on yoga and heavy on rest, but I'll keep in touch...

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