Thursday, February 3, 2011

Astanga Limbo

It seems to be 'existential angst' week in the Cybershala. Meanwhile, always lagging a bit behind the herd, I'm happily plugging along with my practice, such as it is, happy as a clam.

This morning, as I rolled up the Manduka after doing my practice, I thought: "I like this. I LOVE IT! It makes me happy." And it does. Because for 90 minutes, I don't need to think, I just need to try my very best in each moment I encounter.

But it wasn't 90 minutes, actually. My current practice is so *entirely* futz-free that I speed through all of it - the Primary and the Intermediate and the backbends - in a tidy 75 minutes. I was rereading bits of the blog from the Fall, during the 'long-difficult-lonely' era of my practice. My practice doesn't feel long at all right now, it's not hard and I'm too busy practising to feel lonely.

My shoulder still hurts sometimes, but I seem to have hit upon the magical formula that allows me to move through the series while remaining deeply connected to my breath, but backing off from any pain sensation near the site of the injury. I know exactly where that edge is and I can tip-toe around it.

The perimetre of that edge is getting smaller, though. I find myself able to do more and more. I've read that these type of injuries can take up to 12 weeks to heal. That would place my full recovery (not that this means anything; my hamstring is still 'recovering') sometime in March, the month I was *supposed* to travel north to see my teachers.

If I wanted to have some existential angst, I guess I could have it about THAT. Because I don't know if I'm going to be able to travel in March. My schedule is unclear, money is very tight. And I don't know if I *want* to go. I know that sounds vague, but I guess I'm feeling uncertain about teachers-in-general and perhaps I'm a little bit disenchanted with the Astanga tradition right now. Even as I'm feeling happy with my practice, I'm feeling very disconnected, as if I'm stuck in some kind of Astanga Limbo.

But as long as I'm on this topic, if YOU live in Montreal (in the city) and you have a couch or a floor I could sleep on for a day or two (I'm really not picky), please get in touch (I'm on google mail, username: reluctantashtangi). I'll be spending my time elsewhere (probably the Shala, maybe my friend D's gallery, and very likely myriad cafés). I just need a place to sleep from 9 p.m. to Stupid o'clock in the morning. I'm a quiet, non-demanding guest and I bake terrific muffins. If you'd like to host, get in touch.

I'm guess I'm feeling very content, but uncertain about many things in my life. And to be perfectly honest, I think all of this uncertainty is really good for me so I'm going to sit with it for awhile.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


Nobel said...

Aw, I'm sorry you have existential angst. Stay with it, and you will be able to move through it and become more powerful (if that's what you want to be). I'll try to see if I can come up with something interesting and encouraging to say on my blog about existential angst.

May the Force be with you.

Boodiba said...

I'm glad you're having a good time in your practice, even if unsure about March.

It's funny with the tradition though. I've figured out that my lineage is Manju and NOT later life Guruji, Guruji-Sharath. I'm all Manju, small shala, personal style Guruji.

I'd say the Darbys fall in that camp, since they learned early. I do hope you get to see them this year, whether it's March or later.

Cabbage said...

Yay, glad to hear you're enjoying your practice again! That's what matters :)

Loo said...

hey, if you're ever in Santa Barbara, you can sleep in our guest room! always welcome here... and I bet you would like my teacher S :)

sereneflavor said...

What are your dates for Montreal?

エスタ said...

I know the feeling, I think I'm lagging behind the herd in a similar place. I was thinking of a yoga trip, but hhmmmmmm not existential angst as such but working on the practice at home, alone and reading the sutras seems, for me, to be the way I need to go. Plus it'll save me future financial angst. Love reading your blog, am a little envious of your window seat, think I need to find myself one too, window seat tea and book ahhhh bliss. Thank you x

Claudia said...

I think this was an intense moon... felt it too... great idea to sit and ponder... hope all is well :-)