A Near-miss

A flashback in time:
It happened during the mid-term exam period, my second year of university. I was writing my 5th exam in two days and I could feel a sense of lightness and relief washing over me as I inked the last sentence of my essay and closed the exam booklet. As I handed it it, my professor asked to speak with me privately.

"Is this your *last* exam?" she asked. I nodded. She put a steadying hand on my shoulder. "Go home and phone your family, hon. There's been an earthquake in California."

I ran back to my residence, heart pounding, tears streaming down my face. As I stepped into my room, I flipped the morning paper I'd tossed aside hours earlier and there it was, in bold headlines: "Devastating Earthquake Hits California". I hadn't seen it - I generally ignore the news, especially during exam periods.

I spent the next six hours frantically trying to phone my brother and my sisters in Crescent City. I still remember how frustrating it was, worrying and trying to get through the busy circuits.

I still have family in California, Hawaii and Japan. So you might think that I had a really stressful day today, but actually it was quite normal. You see, I still ignore the news most of the time. I usually don't even check the headlines in the morning. I didn't this morning.

In fact, feeling weary of the internet after the dramatics of the week, I didn't even check blogs or Twitter. I practiced the Primary Series. Then I wrote my morning pages and opened up a book.

At noon, I walked over to the private school to teach a class. I wasn't feeling up to cooking, so I treated myself to lunch opting, ironically, for sushi. That's when I heard the servers talking about 'the earthquake' and realised something was amiss. I pulled out my iPad and logged on to Twitter. A friend had just tweeted about 'devastation in Crescent City, CA'.

My heart dropped into my stomach.

So what did I do? I logged into Facebook, of course! I checked the pages of each of my siblings, plus my neices and nephews and stepmother. I was reassured by their statuses that everyone was safe. My sister says that her town is still evacuated. My niece is travelling. My other sister in Hawaii is out partying (probably) and my brother is *not* out on his boat.

They're fine.

I can't believe I'm saying this but here it is: THANK GOD FOR FACEBOOK. The site was down for a span today. I wouldn't be surprised if it's because so many people were checking on loved ones, like I was.

Next, I followed the links to the earthquake and tsunami footage in Japan. I felt, like many of you, helpless and awed and sad. I grew up on the sea, on a small sailboat, and few things conjure up more terror in me than tsunamis (hurricanes take a close second). I'm very familiar with civil alert sirens and evacuations.

My heart is breaking for all of those who lost homes and loved ones today. Twenty years after moving away from the coast, natural disasters like this still feel like a 'near-miss', like it could have been me. I feel incredibly blessed to be sitting here in my small home, cooking rice, walking my dog, following the rounds of a normal life.

I'm so lucky. My hopes and prayers are with those who weren't as lucky today.


Update: It was 'closer to home' than I thought. The marina I lived in as a child was hard-hit by the Tsunami. Docks broke free, 200 boats are reported damaged. Viewing the footage was eerie.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Astanga

And the ‘week of agony’ continues.

Sorry, guys. I really did try, but no matter how much hope and optimism I brought to the mat this morning, I was still faced with this heavy-feeling, lethargic body and a twitchy brain (not to mention a back that does NOT want to bend).

I was so sleepy as I started my practice I’m pretty sure I could have stopped in the middle of the sun salutations, crawled off to the futon and fallen asleep almost immediately.

But I didn’t. I kept going. I followed the breath like a path of stepping stones. Correct vinyasa is a lifesaver when I’m feeling like this. No need to worry about getting through the entire practice, I just needed to make it through the next inhalation. And exhalation. And so on. The vinyasa pulled me through.

Astanga really is amazing. There’s a lot of ground to cover in the Primary Series but (if you’re smart) you’re not thinking about that. Instead, you’re maintaining a smooth and even flow of breath. You’re holding a Driste. And, if you’re a total rockstar, you’re also engaging your Bandhas. In other words, there’s not a lot of room for thinking about anything else, which is kind of the point.

One of my students once confided to me, “I’ve never been so BUSY doing yoga!”.

It’s true. If you’re doing Astanga right, you’re too busy to think about how hard it is.

Melita posted this quote today and it immediately resonated with me:

"if we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking."

~ proverb

One foot in front of the other. One breath and the next and the next after that...I’ll be back on the mat tomorrow.

Astanga

Once a month, the Shala has a led Primary class followed by a discussion. Today was led class day. I’ve been looking forward to it all week!

I go through phases in my attitude towards led classes. Before I started practising regularly at the Shala, I really enjoyed them. But after a month of Mysore Style practice, I started dreading Sunday led classes (they used to happen every Sunday). Everything was so overwhelming to me at that point, I think the led classes were a ‘sensory overload’.

Then my teachers started offering them only once a month. This has worked out really well for me because I’ve come to look forward to them as a special ‘event’ and a break in routine. I can honestly say that I enjoyed every single minute of the led class this morning. It was so much fun!

R made sure that I got a Prasarita C adjustment and my hands made it to the floor! I didn’t have any help at all in Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana, which was a bonus because I had the opportunity to balance on my own. I didn’t botch it up too badly, but I’m perplexed about one thing: it seems impossible to gaze over my opposite shoulder on the first side of the ‘B variation’ (without falling over) but I’m fine doing it on the second side. Weird!

Recently, Navasana has become much easier. I no longer struggle in the pose; It feels comfortable. I’m guessing that this new ease is due to a combination of leg strength and bandhas. It was nice to feel confident in the pose today, though I was feeling tired by the fifth repetition of it.

Backends felt stiff and uncomfortable. On the third Urdhva Dhanurasana, R came over and pushed my arms inward (I’m guessing they weren’t straight). My shoulders probably tightened up over the Saturday break.

Led finishing is the BEST! I was in a Happy Headstand Blissout state for hours after I left the shala. :-)

I baked vegan Blueberry Walnut Muffins to share during the discussion afterward. Fresh blueberries! Look how pretty:

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Second Practice:

I wasn’t even sure I would get around to doing it today, but I made some time after I walked the dog. I kept it short: 30 minutes, same stuff I always do.

I’m raising the bar this week. I can drop back, now I want to stand up! I was thinking about it a lot yesterday. How can I get my brain and body to co-operate with one another? I developed a theory: if it’s easier to drop back with a wider stance (because of my looooong legs), it might be easier to stand up with a wider stance.

Sounds plausible, doesn’t it? I tried it today. No dice. After my second dropback and unsuccessful rocking ‘up’, I collapsed into laughter. It’s FUNNY! Because it feels so IMPOSSIBLE! Standing up from a backbend feels about as ‘doable’ as standing on the ceiling.

But I’ll keep trying this approach because I think I’m more likely to stand up from a dropback (rather than Urdhva Dhanurasana, coming up from the floor). I’m doing all the right things in my dropbacks that *should* be ‘transferable skills’ to standing: strong legs, rooting through the feet, a good arch in my back.

When I was in grade six, our teacher used to let us watch films backwards. We thought it was hilarious! This is exactly what I need to do: Dropbacks, backwards!

At least dropbacks are not a drama anymore. Today, I was fearless! I need to move my feet closer together though. That’s another project for this week.

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Ursula summed it up better than I ever could: “Jois will become a brand***www.joisyoga.com***”

I didn’t write about this yesterday because I needed a chance to calm down, think about it and also hear from my teachers. My initial reaction to this announcement was distaste and deep sadness.

I find it incredibly disturbing that Guruji's name and image is being turned into a 'brand'. I don't think Guruji dedicated his life to teaching this practice in order to create an ‘apparel collection’. During his lifetime of teaching, his single goal was to share the healing powers of this practice with as many people as he could. He expanded his shala to accommodate more students - not to make the quick buck. He risked losing students in order to teach lepers. I’m almost certain ‘Jois Yoga’ is not a 'legacy' he would have appreciated.

When I asked my teachers for their thoughts this morning, they didn't seem very concerned about the project or its impact on the practice itself. They said: “This is separate from the practice”. As I moved through the Primary Series, I felt reassured. It’s just as powerful and meaningful to me now as it was before I learned of these changes. Nothing has really ‘changed’. per se.

In his last years, Guruji work tirelessly to bring Astanga to the west, emphasizing the practice itself as the core value of the Astanga system; ’99% practice’. It has a strong foundation because it was built on people! There’s a HUGE community of teachers and practitioners out there who are passionate about traditional Astanga and have experienced the benefits of the practice.

What we bring to the mat every day as a community is the *real* legacy of Guruji and ultimately, I think it’s bigger and more powerful than any amount of marketing hype, ‘boutique shalas’ or $100 yoga pants.

I’m also guessing we’re not such an ‘easy sell’.

I’ve said it before: Traditional Ashtangis are a quirky lot. The practice seems to lend itself towards a certain level of simplicity and minimalism in daily routines and diet. It makes us a tricky ‘marketing demographic’ to pin down. We buy clothes that are durable and adaptable to the practice. We pick our teachers carefully and loyally follow them for years. Relationships and community are as important as the practice itself - they’re *part* of the practice.

I didn’t pick my shala based on a ‘dynamic shopping experience’ and I don’t choose my practice clothing because it expresses ‘the joy that is Jois’ (Oh, *cringe*!!!!). I’m pretty sure I’m not going to find ‘physical, mental and spiritual happiness’ by purchasing a piece of clothing at a ‘shala boutique’ just because it has the name ‘Jois’ stitched on the label.

Astanga is my spiritual practice, it’s not a 'lifestyle'. If there’s one positive outcome from all of this, perhaps it’s the opportunity to connect with the deeper reasons that we do the practice, the tangible benefits it brings us and the importance and power of the community that supports it.

And to put it bluntly, I hope this whole ‘Jois Yoga’ thing falls flat and fades away into failure because frankly, it pisses me off.

Astanga

Six days. I made it! Hooray. This was a difficult week!

To be honest, I didn’t even want to go to the Shala this morning. I didn’t have any energy for my practice, even after 8 hours of sleep. I can’t remember the last time I slept for an entire 8 hours, uninterrupted. But I woke up stiff and depleted and stayed that way for most of the morning. As I stood on my mat and started, part of my brain was saying “Really? You can’t be serious!”

I told my brain to quiet down and carried on.

The room did NOT feel warm enough to me. I didn’t even break a sweat (okay, one small bead of sweat popped up on my forehead during the second side of Marichyasana A but that was the only one!). I suppose it’s possible that I’m not creating enough heat right now because my practice is so heavily modified, but my Ujjayi breathing was solid and rhythmic and my vinyasas are strong (I’m lifting up and back to Lolasana every time). I’m not sure what else I should be doing.

It’s a cool July, though. I can’t believe it’s even summer.

Backbends felt terrible! I was so TIRED. I couldn’t even get manage three in a row to start. So I did two in a row, then another two. Then I gave up on walking my hands in too far (my back was stiff) and instead focused on staying with my breath and Driste. I managed to do a final set of three and those were better.

One positive note: since I wasn’t doing much else, I played around with the way the weight was distributed in my feet. This is something I’ve been exploring in my ‘extracurricular’ practices this week. I found the ‘sweet spot’ where the weight was primarily in my heels and I was pushing up through my legs, then I tried to stay there. Hard!

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I really enjoyed this post by Claudia musing about the effects of the Intermediate Series on the brain and the nervous system and what to make of these effects.

Obviously, I’m still miles away from starting the 2nd series, but with the supplementary backbending practices I’ve been doing over the past month, I’ve noticed HUGE changes in my sleeping patterns. I have trouble falling asleep almost every night, I tend to sleep less and I often wake up in the middle of the night, unable to go back to sleep.

Since I’m legendary in my family for sleeping easily, long and soundly, this is more than a bit unusual. In fact, until I started intensive work in back bending, I’d never had insomnia in my life. I can almost feel the shadow of the ‘2nd Series CrazyPants’ looming over me!

Personally, I don’t believe this is a ‘created reality’. I’ve seen too many friends fall under its spell and a few have even drifted away from Astanga because of it. It’s real and it’s weird!

And it’s one of several reasons I’m willing to work through this process of learning backbends, as traditionally taught. No, it’s not always fun and I’m frequently frustrated (as evidenced here on my blog). It’s definitely difficult to watch practitioners who are ‘natural backbenders’ sail through to Intermediate while I languish in Primary.

But there’s another layer to the process beyond the physical: it’s about developing determination and mental toughness, the courage to surrender, and the capacity to work through fear .

Those qualities are essential to weathering the storms of Intermediate Series. Right now it feels like I’m the last kid picked for the team, but it may be a blessing in disguise. I’m getting loads of extra practice dealing with my CrazyPants moments in small bites, within the safety of the Primary Series. I’m learning some necessary coping skills.

By the time I do get to Intermediate, at least I’ll have a better capacity to deal with the changes. I hope.

Vinyasa

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

~Epicurus

Over the past 24 hours-and-a-bit, my emotions and thoughts have meandered all over the map.

I really value the support, the wisdom and the encouragement in the comments. I don’t say it enough, but I appreciate all of you who read this. My blog started as more of a personal journal. I never thought anyone would pay much attention to a skeptics journey through Astanga, especially other Ashtanga practitioners. I never imagined how many dear friends I would find doing this. And I didn’t think I would ever come to love the practice this much.

But I do. And today I realised that my practice has been the glue holding me together over these past few months. I’ve gone through some major upheaval in my personal life, but I never felt shattered because there was always a chance to renew myself and feel whole again on my Manduka. Every morning. I need my practice.

Last night, I did something I rarely do: I took a sleeping aid so I could get some deep rest, 10 hours worth. In the morning, my head was clear and I felt better but I was on a rollercoaster. By lunchtime, I was feeling depressed and despairing again. In the late afternoon, I actually checked the price for drop-ins at Shala North. The thought of going to Shala Central in the morning made me desperately anxious.

After I taught my last class of the day, I unrolled my mat and did a cursory Moon Day practice, just the sun salutations and the standing poses to keep the joints lubricated. As I moved through them, I could literally recount every careful instruction, adjustment and vinyasa clarification that had shaped each pose. Even in the standing poses, not a single one has been untouched by my teachers. I may have come into their Shala with a nearly complete Primary Series, but thanks to them, I have an entirely different practice now than the one I arrived with; it’s immeasurably better.

I owe it to them to stick this out and find a compromise.

This is what I know:

- I’m *not* ready to stand up from a backbend yet. My Urdhva Dhanurasana isn’t deep enough and I haven’t yet developed the physical co-ordination necessary to come up by myself or even with determined assistance.

- I work very, VERY hard in my practice. I have a dedicated six-day practice and I literally *never* miss a day. I’m NOT a lazy student.

- I enjoy practising the Primary Series. My Primary is far from perfect - there’s lots of work to do! This could keep me busy for awhile. It’s not urgent that I move on to Intermediate Series right away.

- Many aspects of the practice come very naturally to me. Backbending isn’t one of them. If I’m going to learn to stand up and drop back, I need lots of help and guidance from my teachers.

- I don’t respond well to negative pressure and disapproval. I respond *very* well to patience and encouragement.

- I need to love my practice again. I need to find a way to trust my teachers again.

So here’s the plan: Tomorrow, I’m putting on my Big Girl Ashtangi Pants and going to the Shala, early. Hopefully, I’ll be able to talk to one or both teachers before I start my practice. I’ll request that my backbending be limited to Urdhva Dhanurasana from the floor for now (walking the hands in to develop a deeper backbend and rocking to prepare for standing up). As soon as I’m able to rock forward into my feet and lift my hands off the floor, I’ll be ready for some assistance in coming up to standing. But not before.

I don’t want to rush this because it’s really freaking me out.

I’ll stick it out at Shala Central until the end of June. If I’m still feeling weird about being there, I can explore my options: returning to a home practice (Not my first choice. Yes, Susan and Patrick, you were right: it’s far better to practise with authorised teachers) or making the epic schlep to Shala North (It’s a long commute, but I know people who travel further and longer to study with their teachers).

I’m in this thing for the long haul, I just need to figure out where and how.